May 25th, 2026 - The Dreamdrive

Dear TNY,

I’m a little late on “The Dreamdrive” but I just finished it and am ready to talk.

And it’s okay.  It reads very cleanly.  The pace is good.  There is a sense of urgency, and mystery, that keeps the reader in and threading the needle until the end.  Additionally, I thought the descriptions were on point.  Also, the whole feel of this piece, the voice, was homogenous and compressed enough that it didn’t dawdle.

But so what? 

I’ve said it before.  Many times.  Maybe literature isn’t for me anymore.  Because while this story certainly looked like a painting, it didn’t yearn for anything.  Think about Christina’s World.  It’s got all the same lines to it that this story does, but it yearns.  Think about Wanderer above the Sea Clouds.  Think about The Creation of Adam.  Think about Starry Night.  They all yearn for something.  They all emote.  Maybe modern and post-modern shit doesn’t emote as that isn’t en vogue anymore.  That’s fine.  We can look at Koons’ Balloon Dog and jerk each other off to art that means nothing I guess.  Because ultimately that’s what this story means to me.

I haven’t written to you guys in two weeks.  I had a week off because you did a double issue.  Thank you for that.  A lot has happened with regard to my health.  I’m…getting better?  Definitely nowhere close to fixed.  But after the shakes incident on the new meds and the serotonin syndrome, I have made some changes.  Mostly, the reduction of alcohol (doing two beers a day right now), way more sleep, staying hydrated, and eating on a semi normal basis.  Besides that, my brain has been doing a lot of chewing on things.  I have been known to chew.  And I’m coming around to some ideas that are really helping me process.

Specifically, the other day I was thinking about empathy.  And how on my journey through deep depression over the last few years, it has become apparent where the people in my life’s empathy capacity falls.  Some have a great deal of empathy (generally the ones who have been through similar experiences).  And some, I have found, are not great places to put your most vulnerable information (which is funny for a guy like me to say as I post these letters online and they are turbo vulnerable (sometimes)).  And I was thinking about those people whom I would not and have not shared some parts of my journey with because I knew they wouldn’t be soft.  And that sucks.  Sometimes they are people you care about. 

And as I was thinking about those people and empathy, I was also thinking about stress and my heart.  And how I’m not supposed to be stressing my heart.  I had a friend explain to me, though, that stress can be good or bad.  We tend to think of it as negative, but in reality joy is stress.  Or excitement.  Or elation.  Or blasting a giant orgasm deep into someone’s asshole as one’s eyes roll back into their head and animal noises burst from their throats.  You know, normal shit.

And then I hit upon this idea that empathy is the same way.  We tend to think of empathy (or sympathy) as the idea of understanding someone’s pain and lending yourself to their cause.  But empathy does not have to be limited to pain.  Empathy is the ability to place yourself in someone’s else’s shoes, to try to feel what they feel or could feel (if you took action).  And seeing that allowed me to understand better who in my life had tried to put themselves in my shoes and figure out how to make my life better (to anticipate my needs, help me ways that work for me, understand how to communicate with me, etc).  And once I did, I started to see that some really well-intentioned people in my life hadn’t really done a goddamn thing for me because they were doing what they thought was right or what they thought I needed or what they had convinced themselves would make me joyous or elated or blast an orgasm deep into one’s asshole.  Again, normal shit.  But those people hadn’t been really into helping me because they were making it their story.  Empathy requires that you set your shit down and make the story about the other person.  A great example from this week’s fiction is how the then girlfriend made the MC’s dreamdriving about her and left him.  She could have stayed and supported him.  But nope.  Asshole.  Not the kind you come in.

So, I guess what I’m saying is I’m going to try to pay more attention to the people around me and try even harder to slip into their shoes and see what I can do for them in ways that will matter, not just be about garnering attention for myself.

Oh, I have a cardio CT coming up, and a cortisol shot in my spine, but I don’t know when the latter is, just that it’s been approved.

And, sometimes I get diaper rash.  It has a real sour smell and feels more viscous than water on my fingertips.  Do what you will with that information.  Make fun, if that’s your MO.  Just know that you’re a filthy animal too.

Oh, I’m at the Wizard of Kindness’ house, and he asked me if I watched The Dark Wizard, which I had, and it reminded me of Ben, our late angel, Minister of Chaos, Empathy Incarnate.

Nick