November 11th, 2024 - The Honest Island

Dear TNY,

I’m a week late with “Honest Islands” but finally we have arrived.

I was on a trip for the last ten days.  A friend flew in. And I engineered a PNW adventure for her that was dubbed “the best vacation” of her life.  Saw one of my sister’s concerts, ate raw oysters at an oyster farm, ate other delicious foods (some of which I cooked myself!), met up with some of my friends and stayed in incredible lodgings, including camping in Chuck (lakeside) on an island in the San Juans, and finally had a party night in Seattle.  It was classic me, and she really appreciated how I curated the experience for her.  And I appreciated being appreciated.

What I mean to say is that I was engaged and having deep, meaningful fun with people I like that also like me and was reminded that I’m an incredible person that people want to spend time with.  Everywhere we went, goods that I made were dragged out and stories were told and I was bashful about that but was really glad to see that I’ve had an effect on people’s lives, for the better, and am happy to keep doing that.  I told the therapist about all of this and he was like, yeah man, you were wrong about the data.  You just couldn’t see it because a handful of people convinced you you were broken.  You aren’t.

And maybe I’m not.  Maybe in the end there wasn’t all that much wrong on this end.  I’m kind and considerate and often selfless and, and this is a huge fucking distinction we have been working on in therapy, I’m altruistic.  I’ve had to learn that it’s okay to feel good when you do things for others.  It’s okay to want that feeling.  It isn’t narcissistic.  The way it was explained to me was that people volunteer all the time.  Food banks.  Shelters.  Churches.  Acts of God recovery efforts.  And they do that without getting paid. And it’s okay to feel good about that feeling they get as payment.  So when I make a trip like this or I make a man his library or secret door or lignum mug or do a pseudo remodel of someone’s house, it’s okay to feel good about that.  To feel good being used for good.  A narcissist, on the other hand, does not give a shit about the other person’s happiness.  They are doing the things to get the praise and attention.  They aren’t experiencing elation via another’s elation.  They are eating that elation into a bottomless pit in which there will never be enough.

So it was nice to find out that I’m not that.  But!  That I’ve had a lot of people around me in my life that have used me for not good.  Which has fucked my brain up very, very, very badly. And it’s okay if I get upset when people use me for not good and take up my time and energy and don’t give that good feeling back. Then I was just used. Not for good. And being upset and confused is a valid and reasonable response to abuse. Also, I’ve been thinking about this a lot lately, and I’ve decided that I’m choosing to lead with my heart still.  To not let others’ poor behaviors harden me or dictate my behavior.  Because, the way I look at it, I’m not the one intentionally or unintentionally perpetrating the negative energy.  I’m the one trying to be the superhero and getting shit on.  I’d rather walk away from that as the superhero, even with the shit on my shoulders.

Now, am I always good?  No. No I am not.  But I’m growing and trying and learning and striving to live a good story. 

And this trip reminded me I’m living a fucking phenomenal, unique story that anyone—friends, strangers, family, or otherwise—should feel privileged to be on.  It’s real living.  And I’m fucking proud of that.

Back to last week’s story, though, I feel like there’s no payoff.  The tension, the imagery, the mystery, the existentialism…all of those things are excellent and play well together.  There’s enough at risk from the beginning to push me through the story while trying to find out what there is to find out.  The problem is…I didn’t find anything out?  I’ve brought this up before in a previous letter, but I feel like I need to repeat it now.  There’s a difference between ambiguity and confusion.  We don’t want confusion.  We can deal with ambiguity.  So if you want a story that does not have a clear cut, definitive ending, then you have to shoot for ambiguity.  I feel this story missed the mark because I don’t know what the fuck happened.  Which is a shame because to waste all that tension…yuck.  But that’s my only beef.  I thought it was well written and it was a good concept and I was very engaged with it, I just thought it fizzled out into the sound of a fart passing through a blown-out asshole…whoosh…

Oh, a great example of tension that pays off: “Escape from Spiderhead”. The story (which you fucking published), not the movie.

Well, now I have to write next week’s edition!

Later.

Nick